$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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