my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
