mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
