I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
