cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
we're so committed to being not committed
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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