I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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