She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
