Buhtt sex?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
