Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
