she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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