Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You made out with two different species that night
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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