nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
