did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
