I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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