You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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