In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Randomize
