I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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