i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
