I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
