apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
