smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
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