I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
