Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
And then my night got REAL pukey
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
