i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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