Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
