Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
