Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
