I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
