Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
whose parrot is this?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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