I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
