So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
