I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
