I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
