my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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