i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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