thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
ttyl tear gas
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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