How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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