sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
