so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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