So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
