Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
