She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
