when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
