he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize