So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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