no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
