WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
