Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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