we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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