saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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