my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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