I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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