i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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