if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
