i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
