I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
