She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
