I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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