Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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