My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize