Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
