genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I enjoy the company of your penis
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
