Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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