Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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